Four weeks ago tonight my dad died. It still doesn't seem real, in fact it seems more unreal as more time goes by. It feels like he's been on a vacation and should be coming home soon. I miss talking with him.
I didn't think dealing with his death would be this hard. I knew it would be a really sad time, that I would always miss him and feel that void, but I didn't anticipate how the finality of it all would affect me. How sad it would make me feel when I let myself really think about his life being done, being over with. I am not ready for this part of my life -- my life without my dad in it.
Maybe being so busy with work and keeping up with Zoe, Ella and Tom's schedules is a good thing, not having a lot of extra time to think about things. But I've found it's been easier putting a box around my thoughts and not letting myself really feel how I feel, or it would be hard to stop crying. It reminds me of how I felt at the start of this past school year -- it was so hard being away from the girls for such long days and not being part of their days that it was physically painful at times, and I had to not let myself think about it or I wouldn't have stopped crying. Same thing now.
And when I do let myself really think about it all, knowing I didn't get a chance to say goodbye is really hard. He's my dad -- he's been part of my life my whole life, and it just seems wrong that he isn't anymore.
But I have a lifetime of wonderful memories and a lot of reasons to smile, like I do when I look at these photos, some of my favorites of my dad over the years ....
(Proud Paratrooper of the 82nd Airborne Division)
~ Last photo of my Dad, with the Christmas gift he never used but liked to look at (some sort of woodworker tool)
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