Thursday, February 9, 2012

more on my dad ~

Four weeks ago tonight my dad died.  It still doesn't seem real, in fact it seems more unreal as more time goes by.  It feels like he's been on a vacation and should be coming home soon.  I miss talking with him.

I didn't think dealing with his death would be this hard.  I knew it would be a really sad time, that I would always miss him and feel that void, but I didn't anticipate how the finality of it all would affect me.  How sad it would make me feel when I let myself really think about his life being done, being over with.  I am not ready for this part of my life -- my life without my dad in it.

Maybe being so busy with work and keeping up with Zoe, Ella and Tom's schedules is a good thing, not having a lot of extra time to think about things.  But I've found it's been easier putting a box around my thoughts and not letting myself really feel how I feel, or it would be hard to stop crying.  It reminds me of how I felt at the start of this past school year -- it was so hard being away from the girls for such long days and not being part of their days that it was physically painful at times, and I had to not let myself think about it or I wouldn't have stopped crying.  Same thing now.

And when I do let myself really think about it all, knowing I didn't get a chance to say goodbye is really hard.  He's my dad -- he's been part of my life my whole life, and it just seems wrong that he isn't anymore.

But I have a lifetime of wonderful memories and a lot of reasons to smile, like I do when I look at these photos, some of my favorites of my dad over the years ....

(Proud Paratrooper of the 82nd Airborne Division)

~ Last photo of my Dad, with the Christmas gift he never used but liked to look at (some sort of woodworker tool)


Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

Wonderful pictures Jeremi. Thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry about your Dad. It's hard when you're in that place that tears are always right there on the verge. I hope it gets easier.

CityHouseStudio said...

I love your parent's wedding photo, Jeremi - their smiles are just priceless!
Hang in there - just think about how strong you are to have survived this tough year. It's ok to feel like he's on vacation and not really "deal with" it all yet - you have your whole life to adjust to this new normal. Love you!

Joe and Jane said...

Love seeing all the photos. Fun to see him on the motorcycle.

So sorry this is so very hard, Jeremi. We've been thinking of you all. Many hugs to you!

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

I was just thinking about you yesterday, Jeremi.

There's no "right way" to grieve...we all do it in our own way, the best we can, balancing it against everything else in our worlds.

Still sending hugs your way.

Annie said...

Great tribute to your Dad, all his pictures were adorable. If you look at each he was always smiling, try to remembered him like these.

I know is a hard moment for you and your family. Think that you lost his on earth but you have an angel watching you and your family always.

Big hugs!!! XOXO